|Feel Like Crawling into a Hole...
||[Nov. 6th, 2009|09:52 pm]
There's a girl I know. Years ago, I fell in love with her. Hard. We used to talk all the time, but we never officially dated. She didn't want to get involved in a long-distance relationship. But she was so...I don't know how to put it. She was everything I wanted in a woman, at the time. Fiercely independent, she knew exactly what she wanted... I let myself become sexual with her. And things were good, for a while. But then my life was starting to overwhelm me, and I did something stupid. I loosened my bond with her, and put her on the back-burner in my mind so that I could focus on other things.
Just today...I saw a journal she had posted on Deviant Art, where she stated that her father had hit her. And I felt so...hollow. Like someone had carved out my core. What hit me worst is that... I wasn't there. I told her that I loved her, and that I would always be there to listen to her problems. But I...I made a choice, even if it was a subconscious one...and I chose to fucking IGNORE her.
But all in all, I guess this was an educational experience. I always knew that I'm a horrible person... But I never knew just how deep that aberration went. Because, the kicker? I was more upset when I found out that she already had a boyfriend. What the Hell is that, huh? How do I even get OFF feeling hurt about that? I had no right to expect that she would put her life on hold for me.
I guess she was right not to want to get involved in something long distance. I can't even imagine how much worse it would have been for her if I had been her boyfriend and then ignored her through all of that.
I feel so selfish... I can't stop wondering if this is something I deserved. I have a rule. Never be sexually intimate, on-line or offline, with anyone I'm not dating. I've only broken that rule with two people. Her, and one other. But to have this happen, after I told myself I'd never break that rule...
Is this what I had in store for me?